Trying to Start Over Again
by Bodukescowgrl
Summary: Martha is learning how to live after the death of Jonathan Kent. Just when she thought it would get easier, she learns that it's not. this is for 100 song challenge and is based on the song Learn to be Lonely from Phantom of the opera. Please read and r


Disclaimer: I don't own anything. The characters are part of Smallville and the song Learn to be lonely is from Phantom of the Opera

It had been months since Jonathan's death. Everyone kept telling Martha that it would get easier in time. But she was getting annoyed with hearing that. 

"How do they know it'll get easier in time. They're not me," Martha was thinking to herself. 

She was trying to just move on now. It was so hard though, everything was reminding her of her life with Jonathan. They were married for over twenty years, how was she supposed to move on just like that. Sure Lionel always made himself present at the farm. Lois even tried to talk Martha into giving Lionel a chance. Just to get her off her back, she told Lois she would consider giving Lionel a chance. But who was she kidding, she would never in her life give Lionel a chance. Not only because he was a Luthor but because she knew that would be the ultimate betrayal to Jonathan.

Martha did what she did every night, went up to bed and held Jonathan's pillow close to her. And like every night she cried into that pillow wishing that the past few months were a dream and that any day now Jonathan would walk through that door.

"Jonathan I need you so much. Why did you have to leave?" she cried. 

True she was now senator of Kansas but even being busy with work wasn't helping her. Everyday she went to her office all she could think about was that it should be Jonathan in this position, not her. She knew she had to be strong though, especially for Clark. She didn't want him to know that she was breaking down every single night. As she closed her eyes trying to sleep she realized that she was going to have to get used to being single once again at some point. It's just that it had been so long since she was single, she didn't even know where to begin when it came to being on her own.

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Martha woke up the next morning and realized what the date was, it was her and Jonathan's anniversary. With all that had been going on, it had slipped her mind. She looked at her dresser and stared at the wedding picture of her and Jonathan. At that point she didn't care, she just let the tears fall down. Clark had been walking by the room.

"Hey mom, are you alright?" he asked worriedly.

"Oh Clark you scared me. Yea I'm fine. I just woke up late, I better get ready and head to the office," she said wiping her tears quickly so Clark wouldn't see she was crying.

"Mom look I'll drive you to the office..." Clark began.

"No Clark. I just need to be alone," Martha said before going to get ready.

Once Martha got ready she headed to the office. But it was no use, her mind wasn't on her work. This was the first wedding anniversary since Jonathan's death. She started to think back to that day. She was so happy that she was going to marry Jonathan but at the same time she was so nervous. Sure her father didn't like him, he was just a poor farmer he told her, but she didn't care. All she cared about was that she was marrying that man she loved. 

She then thought back to that day when they found out they couldn't have kids. She knew Jonathan wanted a family and so did she. She had cried that night non-stop. Jonathan felt so bad, wishing he could do more but he knew nothing he could do would make Martha feel better. He climbed into bed and held her as close to him as possible and whispered in her ear that everything would turn out fine in the end. She knew that Jonathan would keep his word and to their surprise, not long after they found Clark. 

Martha smiled at the thought of how happy their life was. Sure there were problems every once in awhile but what marriage doesn't have problems. She and Jonathan would always overcome their problems. 

flashback  
Clark was nowhere to be found and Jonathan was determined to find him.

"Jonathan he'll come back when he wants to, it'll be soon right?" Martha asked.

"Honestly Martha, I don't know. I said some harsh things to him in the hospital that night," Jonathan said.

"Jonathan, Clark knows you didn't mean it. He knows you love him," Martha said. This time it was her turn to comfort Jonathan. Usually it's the other way around.

back to present time  
Martha wiped her eyes. She wished she had Jonathan with her right now. She needed him more than ever now. She was grateful that Clark was always there to cheer her up but it wasn't the same. She needed to feel Jonathan holding her, feel that he was there to help her. But yet again when it was time to face reality, he wasn't there. He wasn't holding her. Now it was all up to her. She had to really face reality that Jonathan was really gone. -  
Before going home, Martha stopped by the cemetery. Slowly she walked over to Jonathan's grave, the tears already coming down her face.

"Jonathan I need you so much and you're not here. Why did you have to leave? What am I supposed to do? Jonathan it's harder and harder everyday," she cried.

She sat down and put flowers infront of the stone. She closed her eyes and reminded herself of the wedding day again. But this time something was different. It was like all of a sudden she finally came to facts with reality. True she was alone and Jonathan wasn't there anymore. But at the same time she knew that in a way he would always be there by her side and to comfort her when she needed it. She opened her eyes and smiled.

"Happy anniversary Jonathan," she said and left to go home to finally move on.  
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End file.
